I'm not ready to be a step-mum | Agony Aunt

Because of his ex-wife’s problems, he has custody of the children, and so I’ve seen them quite a lot from early on in our relationship.

We get on really well together, and I know (and understand) how important that is to my boyfriend. I’ve never had children of my own, so it’s novel for me and it’s been fun getting to know them.

My boyfriend has asked me to marry him, and we’ve started to make plans to do so later this year.

However, I’m now starting to be concerned about the reality of sharing my life with not just a new husband but his children as well.

Seeing them for outings and so forth isn’t the same as sharing a home and a life with them.

It feels like a huge responsibility, especially as they’ve been let down badly already by their birth mother. I don’t know if I can cope and am thinking it would be only fair if I called off the wedding.

Don’t get me wrong, I really love my fiancé and his children are great, but what if I let them down?

N. E.

FIONA SAYS: YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER

It is not an easy thing to become a stepmother, but you are starting out very positively by having a good relationship with your partner’s children.

Nor is it surprising you are concerned, and I am sure pre-wedding nerves are playing their part as much as anything else.

You are not alone in this though. You are marrying a man who I’m sure will have considered the implications of marrying again very carefully too. He will not only have thought of his own needs but those of his children too, before asking you to share your life with them.

He will want it to work, and he will want to support you.

There are sources of help you could turn to as well, and with all the goodwill you seem to have already, I suspect you probably just need help in thinking things through.

I’d really encourage you to contact Relate (relate.org.uk) as talking to a counsellor would, I’m sure, help you to clarify your thinking.

Relate also produce a book that I’m sure you’d find useful – Step-Families: Living Successfully With Other People’s Children by Suzie Hayman. It looks at problems that may arise and ways in which you can cope with them.

Parenting someone else’s children won’t necessarily be easy, and you should be talking to your fiancé about what he expects so that you aren’t contradicting one another.

Children can learn to play one parent off against another anyway – which is why it’s so important for parents to be clear on their values and expectations.

Obviously, there’s potentially a greater risk of this with a step-parent, so please do talk to your fiancé about your fears and anxieties.

If it does get tough at times, remember all parents have problems coping with children occasionally.

You are worried about letting these children down, but what if you succeed? What if you can give these children the very thing that is missing from their lives?

They are obviously already fond of you and like your company, so you could be the very person they need in their lives.

Not only would you be supporting them, but you’d also be supporting the man you say you love in bringing up his children successfully. Now wouldn’t that be something wonderful to do.

DEAR FIONA: I LEAK PEE SINCE MY SECOND CHILD

I had a second child last summer and tried really hard to do the pelvic floor exercises they gave me, but with two small children it was tricky. I’ve had to wear a pad ever since the baby was born because each time I cough or sneeze, I lose a few drops of wee.

Sometimes, if I have left it too long before going to the loo, it is quite a lot and a couple of times I have had accidents that could have been embarrassing, except no one else was around.

I’m 30 next month and I’m worried this is going to get worse. I am sure I must smell!

L. L.

FIONA SAYS: THIS IS A COMMON ISSUE

You are not alone – millions of women go through this after childbirth. The birth process stretches all the muscles in the pelvic area and, unless they’re exercised, they will become weak.

Pelvic floor exercises really can be very effective if they’re done properly and done enough. Starting them again would help, but there are other things you can do as well. First, please talk to your doctor – who won’t be at all surprised.

SEE ALSO: How do I tell my boyfriend I don’t love him any more? | Agony Aunt

You can then be referred for either physiotherapy or, in extreme cases, a specialist. You may not have noticed but the condition is so common that special pads to help are now regularly advertised on TV. Using them will help to absorb any leaks and control any odour. Please don’t worry about it anymore, just get the help you need.

A message from the Editor, Mark Waldron

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