Portsmouth celebrant writes book on how to organise funerals - after taking 900

A quarter of a century later, Paul, now 68, has taken almost 900 funerals – from full military services for veterans to those of stillborn babies.

At times it can be a desperately sad occupation, and a difficult road to navigate for loved ones in the throes of grief who are trying to organise a funeral.

In order to ease that burden, Paul has written an easy-to-understand, comprehensive guide, A Funeral Service.

The guide offers practical advice on where to begin – from contacting funeral directors and churches, or celebrants, to inspiring poems and music pieces. It even explains how to create an order of service.

There are also real accounts from families and how they celebrated the lives of their loved ones – from children through to elderly parents and close friends.

Paul, from Port Solent, says: ‘This is the book that no-one wants to read, but everyone will need at some point in their lives.

‘We need to find our own way of coping and handling this fact of life that everyone tries to avoid discussing and addressing until it actually happens.

‘We must be honest with ourselves and our loved ones that this is inevitable, it is a part of life we must prepare for and yet we don’t.

‘It can take us by complete surprise, especially in the young and those in the prime of their lives.’

Paul’s journey to become a celebrant began 23 years ago.

He takes up the story: ‘I had a road to Damascus experience when I sneaked into a church one morning to have a look at a service.

‘At the time I remember thinking I’d rather be in the pub having a drink but suddenly something happened. Before that moment, I wasn’t a practising atheist, I was very good at it.

‘I ended up training for three years to become a lay minister.’

Paul served at St John’s Church, in Rowlands Castle, for nine years and in that time took many funeral services. But he found it too restrictive. He says: ‘I didn’t lose my faith, it is still strong, but I did get fed up with the institution.

‘I wanted to be able to serve families without the restrictions that an institution can put on you.

‘After I left the church I received a couple of telephone calls from funeral directors asking if I would conduct services. It is now close to 900.’

Over the years Paul, a grandfather, has conducted services for hundreds of strangers, but also for loved ones, including his father, musician Ron Hickman, and best friend Gordon Powell, a popular figure on the Southsea nightclub scene.

Paul says: ‘It is no different to taking the service of a stranger.

‘I’ve taken services with just two mourners, and services where it is standing room only outside.

‘My philosophy is when I stand in front of a family, I become part of their family. I celebrate their lives.

‘There cannot be a more humbling place to be than in front of a bereaved family. It is an honour.

‘I hear incredible stories among the sadness. These days it is more of a celebration and I am often amazed that I am part of that. It is an honour to serve those families.’

Paul laughs as he recalls the reaction from his family and friends to his change of career. ‘At first my family questioned my sanity, the reaction was, “flippin’ ‘eck, you’re kidding me?”.

‘But actually, I believe everything I had done before, all my life experience, has enabled me to carry out this role.

‘I was a sports therapist based locally for many years, I helped out in the dressing room at at Fratton Park in the Premiership days for two season, on match days and the training ground, working with the players.

‘This experience allows me to conduct services for Pompey fans with a bit of inside knowledge.

‘I also take many ex-service personnel services, members who have Crossed the Bar.

‘I had a far too brief military service in the Royal Marines, but I understand and respect the military ethos.’

Funeral services have changed dramatically over the years.

As a celebrant Paul no longer takes church services but takes funerals in crematoriums – he spends a lot of time at Portchester Crematorium and The Oaks, in Havant – and at natural burial grounds.

‘It is now a celebration – which is evident in the music they choose’, says Paul. ‘I’ve heard Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash, even Sex on Fire, by Kings of Leon.

‘You can’t make it up, but it’s not for me to judge as it’s what the loved ones want.

‘I have even taken military services where all the men have turned up dressed as women. They have changed a lot over the years.’

Celebrants have to cram a lifetime into just a 25-35-minute service.

Paul says: ‘I have lost loved ones so I know what it’s like to grieve.

‘I picture what it’s like to listen to me and how the family will be feeling.

‘I feel the same now, on almost my 900th service, as I did when I took my first service – anticipation, nerves, knowing I’ve got to get it right.

‘You are serving the family as best you can and it is an honour to do so.

‘What I love and respect is when a family member wants to give the tribute.

‘It’s awe-inspiring to be able to give a tribute to a loved one in the throes of grief.

‘It’s a honour to hear the families’ stories. It is a privilege to be with the families.’

The former Southern Grammar School boy and Iron Man triathlon competitor, says his aim is to serve families, and sees it as a calling.

‘Every time you take a funeral you leave a piece of you with them’, says Paul.

‘When I drive away from the service I am emotionally drained.

‘I can’t give any more, there’s nothing left. I expect most celebrants feel the same.’

A Funeral Service – A practical guide to help with the painful process of planning a funeral for a loved one is available now.

Download a digital copy from Amazon, Kindle and Waterstones.

Alternatively, you can buy a hard copy through the publishers, lapalabra.co.uk by emailing [email protected]