Should my birth dad or step-dad give me away at my wedding? | Agony Aunt

Our agony aunt, Fiona Caine, answers your questions.
By Fiona Caine
Published 29th Sep 2020, 10:19 BST
Fiona Caine gives advice to a woman who doesn't know who to ask to give her away at her wedding. Picture: PA.Fiona Caine gives advice to a woman who doesn't know who to ask to give her away at her wedding. Picture: PA.
Fiona Caine gives advice to a woman who doesn't know who to ask to give her away at her wedding. Picture: PA.

Question: My wedding is due in spring next year. However, I have a bit of a dilemma as to who should give me away. When I was four, my parents split up, and since then it was my stepfather who fulfilled the role of father.

However, eight years ago I started to see my birth father again and have built up a good relationship with him too.

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My problem is I don’t know who to ask. They’re both quite laid-back but I hate the idea of one of them losing out or feeling hurt.

Answer: I suspect both will be hoping they are the one chosen, so perhaps the best solution is to see if they could both do it?

That assumes they get on well enough with each other to be willing to do this, of course. If they don’t, then I suggest you consider thinking completely outside the box.

Why not have your mother escort you? Or you could walk in by yourself.

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There are other roles these two men could fulfil on the day, and which would help them to feel included. Please don’t allow family politics to take away pleasure on your special day!

WAS GOING TO MY EX’S FUNERAL A MISTAKE?

Question: I was shocked and saddened by news of the death of my ex-partner. I remarried 10 years ago and never expected to hear from him again, so I was very surprised to receive an invitation to attend his funeral. It was a disaster. His girlfriend was drunk and abusive. I was shocked by the way she laid into me so I left very quickly.

The more I think about it, the more I want to contact her again and say he and I never fell out, we just fell out of love. I feel I need to do something.

Answer: What an unpleasant experience for you but what would contacting his girlfriend really achieve though?

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You remarried 10 years ago, which suggests that you’ve had no contact with this family for at least that long, and nothing you’ve said indicates you’d want to see them, or her, again.

Sometimes, grief can also bring out the very worst in people. This woman is clearly hurting and anything you say might only make it harder for her. So, whilst I am sure you are hurting too, please try to let this go.