I fancy my sister's boyfriend - should I tell him? | Agony Aunt

I have always fancied him, and my sister knew this when she started seeing him. At the time, I had been going out with my current boyfriend, so wasn’t able to catch him for myself.

I am not happy with my boyfriend, who says he loves me but I have no feelings for him. All we seem to do is go through the motions of going out with each other, but there’s no real spark.

Not like I have for my sister’s boyfriend, who I can’t stop thinking about.

My relationship is going nowhere, and it’s clear that not all is well with their relationship either.

They don’t have a lot in common and seem to disagree about everything. They have regular arguments, some of which have been very volatile, and sometimes it seems she actually goads him just to start an argument. Then, if I take his side, she gets jealous and quickly makes up to him, but not before she’s had a real go at me.

I don’t know what’s going on with them but it’s clear they aren’t happy. Should I tell him how I feel?

F. T.

FIONA SAYS: FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST

Rather than wreck their relationship and upset your sister, perhaps you should instead concentrate on sorting out your own unhappy situation.

If you’re certain you don’t love your boyfriend, and it’s going nowhere, what is keeping you together?

If it’s just habit, then it’s unfair on him, so better to end it now and leave you both free to look for love elsewhere.

Which doesn’t mean immediately going after your sister’s boyfriend!

Can you be certain they are unhappy?

Some couples thrive on the differences between them. So perhaps you’re right, you really don’t know what’s going on with them.

Given this, it would be dangerous to assume they are miserable and about to break up.

For the moment, I suggest you say and do nothing.

If your sister knows how you feel, it’s possible that some sort of sisterly rivalry is making her hang onto this guy for longer than she might otherwise.

Just step back and see what happens: don’t get involved in their arguments and don’t express any opinion, even if you’re asked.

In time, if their relationship does eventually fail, that’s when you’ll be free to let him know how you feel.

As long as they are together though, you should stay quiet – however much you might fancy this man.

It really isn’t worth saying anything now – especially as you’ve no idea how he feels about you.

SHOULD I LET MY 10-YEAR-OLD GO OUT ALONE?

My 10-year-old son wants to go out and play with his friends in the park, but doesn’t want me with him.

I can understand his need for a bit of independence but am worried about letting him out on his own, and feel I should be there too.

However, he says that none of his friends have their mums hanging around and he would be embarrassed if I went. At what age is a child legally allowed to play outside on their own?

L. C.

FIONA SAYS: CONSIDER ALL THE FACTORS

To my knowledge, no legal definition exists that covers this. It’s a judgement call, and deciding at what point your child is old enough to go out with their friends alone is never easy.

There can be a fine line between being too careless with a child’s safety, or being over-protective, and the decision must be based on so many factors.

For a start, is your son sensible? Is he aware of the dangers of speaking to strangers? What is the area like?

Will he abide by any boundaries you set? If you do let him go, make sure he knows what he can and cannot do, and what time you expect him to be home.

Do you know who the other children are? Have you spoken to their parents to see if it’s actually true they are allowed to go off together?

It could be a whole group of children have planned this together and all the other parents are worried too. I’d suggest you talk to them – maybe a parental rota of some kind, taking it in turns to be close by.

At age 10, in a very short while he’ll be making his own way to secondary school, and there’s a good chance he’ll want to do that independently.

Finally, if he has one, consider letting him take a mobile phone too, though remind him to keep it out of sight unless he absolutely needs to use it.