I'm scared to trust my partner after my last relationship | Agony Aunt

We had been living together for four years and had even started to make plans for the wedding.

I loved him and thought he was the only one for me.

He waited until I was away on business for a couple of days, then packed up all his things and left. He didn’t leave a note and I haven’t seen or heard from his since.

I was badly hurt by this, and it was weeks before I could stop crying. It has also left me deeply distrustful of other men, which is a problem because I have now met someone else.

He says he loves me very much and wants to marry me, but I keep pushing him away as I can’t be sure I trust him.

It makes no sense really, he’s attractive, successful, and genuinely kind. We have lots in common too and he does everything he can to make me happy. He’s even prepared to chat with my mother – and not many can cope with that.

So what’s wrong with him? Part of me says he’s perfect, but another voice keeps saying, ‘don’t do it again’. I think I would fall apart if someone hurt me like my ex-fiancé did.

A. C.

FIONA SAYS: YOU WERE BADLY HURT

In walking out this way, your ex-fiancé behaved immaturely, cowardly and disrespectfully, so it’s not surprising you were badly hurt. It’s also understandable that you might feel wary of another relationship.

However, at some point, if you want a loving, trusting relationship, you must accept that this is never without risk.

For example, people are complex and don’t always fully understand their own feelings.

These will change over time anyway, even in someone who is certain about how they feel at the outset.

Circumstances can change and events happen that may lead people to view their partners differently, or want different things.

People change – some quickly, some not – and it’s impossible to know in advance how a relationship will develop in the long run.

The bottom line is, all love is always a bit of a gamble for everyone, but what’s the alternative?

Never take a chance and deny yourself the possibility of a loving relationship because you distrust everyone? I am sure some people can live this way, but I sense you are not one of them.

Your new man does seem very keen and genuine, so rather than simply push away, tell him you’ve been hurt by a broken engagement. Explain that you need to spend a bit more time getting to know him.

He may find this a bit frustrating but, if he’s as kind and understanding as you say, he should have no problem with this.

Then try not to dwell on the past. Don’t let the actions of one foolish man spoil your chances of finding genuine love.

Counselling might be really helpful too, so you have space to talk through these feelings.

MY WIFE’S BARELY AROUND SINCE RETIRING

My wife retired three years ago and has thrown herself into so many things. She’s also been able to do a fair bit of travelling. I have had to miss most of this because I still work and have another three years before I can retire.

It seems petty, but I find myself becoming increasingly resentful of the wonderful life she is having.

It’s not helped by the fact I miss having her around. She’s out a lot in the evenings and at weekends, times when I look forward to being with her.

I feel more and more excluded from her life and don’t know what to do. Should I take early retirement?

L. E.

FIONA SAYS: TALK TO HER

I think you need to address the resentment you feel, or it will fester, so please talk with your wife and explain how you feel.

Say you are missing quality-time with her and want to be more involved. Perhaps plan some things you can do jointly. Though, don’t expect to join in with everything she does – some alone time is important too.

Now might also be a good time to start discussing what you can together once you eventually retire. Whether you do this now or later is a decision for you, your wife and a retirement planner.

If your employer doesn’t provide this, please consider contacting AgeUK (ageuk.org.uk) for information and advice about retirement.