Farmhouse Hungry Horse: I went with my kids to Portsmouth's most child-friendly pub and this is what it's like

We harked back to those pre-smoking ban days, and further back, when your high street hostelry or back street boozer were all stained glass, and closed doors. If you walked past as a child and the door opened, you’d get a glimpse of a thick green patterned carpet, dark polished furniture, flashing lights on the fruity and, most distinctly, that long-lost smell of fag smoke, BO and spilled ale coming out in a fragrant cloud that instantly said: ‘This is an adults’ world. Keep out.’

NOW READ: Fareham’s well-kept fine-dining secret

Now, of course, it’s all different. Quite aside from the fact that the thick-shag carpet is a dying breed in the world of stripped flooring, now windows are clear, not frosted, and kids are on the whole welcomed into pubs, for better or for worse. Taking this to its logical conclusion, the Dish Detective took advantage of a rainy Saturday to try out a pub which, frankly, could have been designed by a child.

We don’t mean that as an insult. We don’t mean there was no front door or someone had put up a sign saying ‘wee and poo’ on the roof outside.

But what you have at the Farmhouse in Portsmouth is a sweet spot where children will never feel like they have been dragged out by their parents, and parents won’t feel guilty for ever taking them there. Here’s why.

The main draw for kids is clearly the Wacky Warehouse soft play next door. While it’s a separate section (with a £4.50 entry fee per child) they will ask you for your table number so you can head back to the pub safe in the knowledge that you’ll be contacted if need be. You get 90 minutes so there’s scope for kids to dive straight in – avoiding the fidgeting while awaiting food – eat and still have time for a good ballpit session afterwards.

And open-mouthed reaction of the children to soft play was matched only by the astonishment that there was a television screen on the wall of the booth we found ourselves in, and it was tuned to CBeebies. They thought that they were in heaven. Daddy was pretty chuffed that the children were off doing things as the Manchester derby was there to be watched on a big screen in the main bar, and Mummy was just glad to be shot of the lot of them for a while.

As for the food? Well, decent. It’s a Hungry Horse so you expect enough food for a whole day to arrive with some of the dishes. A mini mixed grill (£10.29) was big enough to leave us in awe of the potential size of Full Monty mixed grill, which also includes a steak. The mini version came with a gammon steak, two sausages and chicken breasts (note the plural), which was quite enough meat at once. The chicken was a touch flavourless but the rest, including the fried egg and pineapple accompaniment, was perfectly good.

A Korean BBQ chicken burger (£10.29) worked well. Not a mega-caloried plate-breaker, it was a delicately-flavoured couple of chicken breasts with chilli, ginger and garlic to the fore, and the taste of something that had spent a lot of time – to its advantage – in soy sauce. It was served with what were advertised as salt and pepper chips but which also had a garlic taste to them, again to their credit.

The kids had less of a critical eye – being torn mainly between soft play and telly, and just scoffed their lunches. The meals – burger, chips and peas and sausages chips and peas – were nothing amazing but for £3.69 each you don’t expect much. They did the job perfectly.

And so there you go. A proper family pub – and the best compliment you can pay to it? Despite being rammed with families and young children, barely an angry raised parental voice was heard anywhere. And that’s got to be a testimony.

​The Farmhouse, Burrfields Road, Portsmouth

Telephone: (023) 9265 0510

Food: 3

Value: 4

Ambience: 4

Kid-friendly: 5