A triumph of pointless parenting | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman

They do so often with nothing more useful than retail pricing data.

I was young when I heard this, in my thirties and I scoffed at such a past-time.

But I've changed a great deal.

But as I’ve got older, those words have stayed with me and nowadays I think it’s exactly the sort of thing I’m going to do in the future. In fact, I already did it, pre-Covid.

For back then, If I arrived in a town early, I could easily and happily kill time by mooching around a supermarket.

The early mental training for this must go back to when I was 16 and I landed a job at Safeway, near where I lived.

I loved it, even the bow-tie and the green apron and to this day I’ll ‘face-up’ cans of beans in our own cupboards.

I’ve also trained my family to rotate stock to ensure sell-by dates are taken into account and food waste is minimised. I’m mental.

With this wealth of untapped knowledge and a commitment to be so demanding that my children will be desperate to get good jobs and leave home, I embarked on my latest creative idea to force them to move their legs further than from a comfy chair, to the fridge and then back again.

I decided that I would take them shopping. To the big supermarket. A giant beast of a supermarket.

I’d drop them off with a list each. Give them a card with which to pay and see who finishes first.

They had to be separate for obvious Covid reasons.

I’d wait in the car. I’d snooze and listen to the radio. It would be like having servants.

However, here’s the best bit; because of my vast depth of supermarket knowledge, I tailored each list forcing them to travel from one side of the monolith to the other.

Items that should be grouped were peppered through the list.

They got their lists just before drop-off.

For those reading this, who are also trained in supermarket layouts, you’ll see what I mean.

The list would read; lettuce, wraps, butter, eggs, beef mince, multi-pack crisps, tinned tomatoes, flour.

It was all I could do to contain my excitement. They might get lucky on a few items but throw in harissa paste and kettle descaler and they’ve positively got a day out. They don’t need Center Parcs. Think of the fun they’re having.

I drifted in and out of consciousness while I waited. I was in no rush. In fact, it could have taken several days. I didn’t mind, they were at least moving. It was a triumph of pointless parenting. The last gasp at something different.

As we approach some glimmers of hope, and lockdown is changing, it couldn’t come at a better time.

I never thought I would ever have to create a cheap version of Supermarket Sweep as an event during the school holidays.

I’m pleased to say in summary that they dragged their knuckles out of the store and broadly speaking it was a success.

Sadly, one of my children lost my credit card from an open tracksuit pocket. Another seemed to freestyle and panic-buy an enormous amount of chocolate Penguins.

The packing lacked some of the finesse of a highly trained operative. No-one puts bread in the bags first. Utter madness but they’ll learn.

My dream is that when they’re older they will be able to mentally map any supermarket layout and pass this gift on to their own children who in turn won’t care either but will do most things for a quiet life, so they can get back on their screens.

WALLS REALLY DO HAVE EARS

I would like to offer a note of caution to anyone who has Bluetooth speakers in their home, or is using Bluetooth equipment.

I was recently given some in-ear Bluetooth headphones/earbuds to listen to music. I have been moaning for years about headphone cables getting tangled and it became too much. These earphone/bud things are fantastic, no cables and great sound.

But my cautionary tale is this. I’m chatting to a friend of mine on a WhatsApp call. Earbuds in and I can hear clearly. Then I can see him but I suddenly can’t hear him.

Then my daughter shouts up from downstairs my friend who’s called, is chatting in the kitchen. I had left the Bluetooth speaker on and it had switched from my headphones to the kitchen speaker.

Thank the Lord we were having a grown-up conversation about camper vans and who would survive SAS selection.

It’s worth a moment of reflection, if you’ve got a smartphone/laptop/tablet and one of these speakers is in the house. Think of all the conversations and things that happen on computers that could be transmitted by accident.

It reminded me of one of the funniest stories I’ve heard. A friend of mine’s grown-up son was on his computer upstairs and was visiting a website that was not necessarily a positive life choice and without realising the Bluetooth speaker was on downstairs where his parents were entertaining. Needless to say, it caused quite a commotion.

A message from the Editor, Mark Waldron.

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