Alun Newman: Condensation Warrior
Before I start going on about a yearly issue that bothers a small group of very pleasant people, an issue that begins around this time every year and lasts for five long months., let me pause for something brighter. Isn’t Stokes Bay beautiful? Last weekend, I couldn’t contain myself. I was telling anyone within earshot, “It’s mild, isn’t it?” and “I didn’t need the coat!”
We were in Stokes Bay, walking along the seafront, gazing across at the Isle of Wight and the Mad Max backdrop that is Fawley. It was stunning. The sky was a perfect blue, the sea rough and one of those days where even the wind feels friendly.
Now, to the key point, which is only semi-related to the weather. There’s a small group of really kind, thoughtful, and fundamentally decent people who are plagued by the same seasonal scourge. We are condensation sufferers.
It’s that time again when I wage my annual war against the unstoppable moisture that sleeps on my double glazing. I deploy every weapon in the arsenal, air vents set to open (even when it’s freezing), kitchen roll, tea towels but the same water finds its way back to the same window, year after year.
I’ve tried every possible fix, with little or no success. I had, at one point, accepted my lot in life as a condensation botherer. That was it. Until, as if the internet had overheard my despair (and perhaps it had), a solution appeared.
You’ll remember those little silica gel packets that come with new shoes or laptops. The ones that, as a child, I thought looked like tiny bags of salt from a packet of Salt’n’Shake crisps. Those little sachets are hungry for moisture. Well, imagine my astonishment to learn you can buy giant versions.
In the pop-up ad, a serene homeowner drops a 500g silica bag on a windowsill, and instantly, their life becomes condensation-free. One in the car, and the mist on the windscreen is gone. When the indicator circle turns pink, you simply microwave it, and it’s ready for action again thirsty for more. How had such a modern marvel passed me by?
My life was about to take on a whole new meaning. What would I even do with all the extra free time, once freed from the tyranny of wiping down windows? I was giddy with anticipation. The package arrived, and I deployed the bags with anti-damp enthusiasm, one tucked behind the blind, another hidden behind a shutter. Victory was surely at hand.
A week later, I can report that I’ve microwaved them twice and am still unsure if they’ve made the slightest bit of difference. Sonia claims they have, but I suspect that’s just a diversion tactic to stop me talking about it.
Of course, when in a hole, the key is to keep digging, you might find gold. So I’ve ordered more. Bigger ones. Better. Drier. At this rate, I won’t be able to see out of half the window. At least that will be because of the towering pile of silica bags, not the condensation. I’m not entirely sure that’s a win, but at least it’s progress?