BLAISE TAPP: Roy Wood's dream would be our logistical nightmare

'˜Daddy, why does this man on the radio want it to be Christmas every day? That would be really boring.'

Saturday, 2nd June 2018, 12:33 pm
Updated Tuesday, 19th June 2018, 2:27 pm

It often takes a child's pin-sharp logic to challenge hyperbole in all its forms and my eight-year-old completely nailed the many holes in Wizzard's iconic festive lyrics.

While it was impossible not to agree with her substantive point, I did manage to bore her with a yarn pulled out of the career archive '“ one about an '˜interesting' chap who was so wrapped up in Christmas that he really did celebrate it every day.

Sprouts, crackers, Slade, cheese and biscuits and even the daft jumpers, before they became de rigueur '“ it was nearly 20 years ago - this guy did the lot. Every day.

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The motivation behind this bizarre ritual? He really loved Christmas '“ it was as simple as that.

My initial reaction to this story from the pen of a former colleague in the west country two decades ago was: 'How can he afford Christmas every day?'. Unless you are a Premier League footballer with a penchant for exotic dancers and roulette, December 25 is the dearest day of them all.

According to The Centre of Retail Research and Voucher Codes, the average family spends £821.25 on Christmas, a cost which includes meals, presents, Babycham and cheesy footballs. If that figure isn't eye watering enough, the cost is set to rise five per cent this year, thanks to inflation. I am blaming Brexit, however, as everything is the fault of Brexit in my book.

Unless you have barricaded yourself into the lounge in order to watch the entire Home Alone series on repeat, you will have noticed that the hike in prices really isn't putting anybody off. We are still mad for Christmas.

It happens every year '“ the queues at supermarket tills this week will resemble those witnessed in the former Soviet Union following the fall of communism nearly three decades ago.

We will inevitably fill our trollies with stuff we don't really need such as pickled walnuts, dates, mini beefburgers and onion bhajis, not to mention extra toilet roll. Always extra Andrex, because you don't want to run out when the shops are shut for those crucial 24 hours.

Once our fridges are stuffed to breaking point we will proceed to consume two months's worth of calories in a couple of days, before many of us splash out hundreds of pounds on gym membership, Lycra and flashy trainers in a bid to shift the excess weight which will have cost us a small fortune to achieve.

Doesn't make sense, does it? 

But we spend even more on presents than we do on food, largely because it is so easy to do so. There is now no excuse for anyone to buy a chocolate orange for their nan from the petrol station at 11.30pm because you really can spend your money at any time, anywhere.

The rise and rise of online shopping has forced high streets to up their game and the result is that the consumer has never before had such a choice of where they can spend their cash.

While millions of us are seduced by the marketing sirens, nobody is holding a gun to our heads, to make us spend. We do so because Christmas is the most special time of the year.

I am just glad that it isn't every day.