CLIVE SMITH: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about Valentine's Day

As usual in our house it passed off without much of a fuss, a card and a bar of chocolate (a big bar) is usually enough to keep the missus happy. If I took home a bunch of flowers I’m sure she’d think something was going on. Mind you, grabbing a bunch of garage flowers on the way home from work isn’t really going to get cupid doing somersaults is it?

They say who needs a special day to show how much you care. Too right, when you unload the dishwasher, pick the towels off the bathroom floor and even put the toilet seat down, despite it not being left up for me, what need is there for grand gestures of meals out and eau de toilette.

The best Valentine’ Days are when you are young, then it can be quite exciting.

I remember a mate had fancied this girl for ages and we cycled a few miles to her house, put on some absurd disguises and ran down her garden path to put a card through her door. Unsurprisingly, they never got together and surprisingly we weren’t arrested!

Unless you’re a romantic or the missus has you whipped you can make it through the day without the commercial beast that is Valentine’s Day getting its claws into you and your bank balance. Best off leaving it to the youngsters than pretending you really give a damn about it.

Although next year I’m going one better than a bar of chocolate. I’ve just discovered Saddam Hussein wrote a romantic novel – available on Amazon; always worth keeping in mind if you’re at a loss for something to buy your other half next year. Especially if you’re looking to spice up your sex life. Mills & Boon eat your heart out.

‘FOOD ALLERGY BULLYING’? FOR PETE’S SAKE, GET A GRIP

Back in the days when society and the people in it were somewhat normal it was films like Natural Born Killers and A Clockwork Orange with their gratuitous violence that led to calls for films to be banned.

Today people want the new Peter Rabbit film banned because some rabbits in it threw blueberries at another of the cartoon characters. Wow, let that one sink in.

Apparently, it promotes ‘food allergy bullying’. Some people really need to take a look at themselves if this is what upsets them.

The producers of the film have even apologised. What the hell for?

Stop apologising to lunatics who keep getting offended and they might stop all this nonsense.

Imagine what our ancestors would make of us now.

APPALLING INTERNET CRAZE IS CHILD ABUSE

There are many crazes that sweep the internet – some are fun, like the ‘ice bucket challenge’. Others are just stupid, such as 2018’s first ridiculous craze - The Tide Pod Challenge, which sees kids eating small packages of washing detergent.

Another one that has gained popularity recently is mums forcing their autistic children to drink bleach in a bid to cure them.

This is appalling behaviour, nothing but abuse. Who in their right mind thinks this could work?

If you’re that desperate, get in the back garden and do a mad dance with a grass skirt on and sacrifice a chicken, not put your child’s life at risk.

I suggest they hand their kids over to someone who can look after them properly.