CLIVE SMITH: Royal wedding blues – why aren’t we going to get a day off?

Months of gossiping ahead... Prince Harry with fiancee Meghan Markle. Picture:  Joe Giddens/PA Wire
Months of gossiping ahead... Prince Harry with fiancee Meghan Markle. Picture: Joe Giddens/PA Wire
Passengers scrutinise the captain's every manoeuvre.

It’s the captain who can make or break a cruise – Rick Jackson  

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With a continual stream of bad news, economic forecasts predicting we’ll be eating Dairlylea Dunkers all next year and Kim Jong-un knocking up nuclear bombs, the news of the royal wedding has given most of us some good news to end the year.

It was obviously big news around the world, none more so than in our house where after news of the engagement had broken the old dog ’n’ bone was off the hook for the rest of the day.

Opinions were aplenty I can tell you, especially on the bride-to-be.

You see, the missus watched the interview a couple of times and has since spent her time tutting and shaking her head every time Meghan Markle is mentioned. I went to my mum’s and it was more of the same.

Obviously, Camilla was never going to win many hearts among the British public, but if what I’ve hearing recently is representative of the rest of the country, princesses stand little chance either.

Apparently, Kate ‘played a good game’ to land her prince and Meghan is just ‘acting’. For heaven’s sake, you could have Cinderella turning up in a pumpkin carriage, with lizard footman and a couple of goose coachman and there would be something to pick holes in. They don’t stand a chance!

It was like being a fly on the wall on a girls’ night out when someone’s ex had walks in with his new girlfriend and she was getting a full going-over.

Column inches are going to be packed full now. It will be endless, but it’s to be expected I suppose on such a big occasion. There’ll be an endless stream of things to chatter about, more phone calls – ‘how terrible that dress is’ and ‘she’s so false’.

Men really are from Mars and women from Venus when it comes to this sort of thing.

I never watched the interview and analysed the details, it was more Homer Simpson staring at the TV with a vacant mind wondering where dinner was. I wasn’t considering her hair or mulling over when they might have a baby.

All we men wanted to know was whether we were getting a bank holiday.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR... MALE LINGERIE

I came home from work the other day and the missus was talking about something she’d seen on Loose Women.

They were discussing male lingerie and whether they’d find their partners sexy in it.

Ye gods – trying to pull off a designer polo with a bulging waistline is hard enough let alone a male negligé and French knickers!

With my birthday coming up I’m now concerned about what presents I might be receiving. Imagining what I’d look like in some of that clobber I’d think it would be more suited as a gift at Halloween.

A least after a summer of excess eating I’ve moved up from an A to a double A-cup, so I’m OK in the bra department.

WHEN ‘DOING LINES’ TOOK ON A COMPLETELY NEW MEANING

Rachel Ryan, a supply teacher working at Banbury Academy was jailed for 15 months after being found selling drugs to her pupils.

Giving her students discount to those who bought in bulk, Det Con Bryan Groves said she used her knowledge gained as head of Business Studies in her role as a drug dealer.

Well, you can’t say she wasn’t giving her students a real-life practical application of the business world can you?

I guess being told to stay behind and ‘do lines’ had a completely different meaning in that class.

Detention had never been so popular!