Am I lucky to be thin and be able to eat loads of chocolate biscuits? | Alun Newman

I have no idea what body size you are. Me? I'm a skinny fella who is ‘nearly’ six feet tall.

By Alun Newman
Monday, 17th January 2022, 9:11 pm
Updated Monday, 17th January 2022, 9:11 pm
Alun Newman, he's skinny, tall and can't find clothes to fit him.
Alun Newman, he's skinny, tall and can't find clothes to fit him.

I used to say I was six feet but if you do that and you’re actually 5ft 11in (which I am) everyone who is 6ft and above will point out that they don’t believe you.

It’s as if you're trying to gain entry into a club but you don’t have the right ID.

Height is a genetic consequence which is outside of our control so why people feel the need to protect certain thresholds is beyond me.

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Having said that, if someone says they are 5ft 11in when they're clearly not, I will jump in immediately as if I’m a member of the height police.

It must be a ‘power’ or insecurity thing.

As thin people, we often get told that we’re ‘lucky’ and others never stop telling us they wish they had our metabolism.

This, I think, is actually not unreasonable.

I have always been able to indulge my chocolate biscuit addiction with little body impact.

The hidden impact of cholesterol is something else.

I actually had a few days last year when I was eating a packet of biscuits a day.

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They were those thick chocolatey ones, they are my kryptonite. There the ones where the chocolate sits neatly on top of a rectangular Rich Tea-style biscuit. I was out of control for nearly a month.

Currently, there are no ‘help group’ meetings for biscuit addicts, you know, the ones where you stand up in a circle of others and declare your biscuit problem.

I simply had to rein it in. The challenge is exercise.

I like doing regular exercise, which I have done for several years.

However, I sometimes hear myself saying ‘I’ve done some exercise so a few biscuits are okay’.

Come on Alun, think SAS. Think Ant Middleton. Mind control.

It’s just that it’s so easy to nibble around the edge of each biscuit!

Aside from the biscuit point, the reason I’m chatting to you about body size is because of the new year sales.

Is it just me or is every sale item, online or in-store, never in your size.

Even if you include the strange tolerance for different items.

For example, my feet change size depending on whether I’m buying shoes or trainers.

If I’m going for a shirt, I never know whether to go for a neck size of fifteen, fifteen-and-a-half, or a 16 until the shirt is actually on me.

I’m cruising the internet for some new jeans and spot a great deal.

I click on it and they either only have a size that would fit Kylie Minogue in one direction, or a size that would only fit Geoff Capes in the other.

Even if you change the search criteria clearly indicating what size you are, you still click when you see something you like.

It turns out the computer is ignoring you anyway and thinking to itself ‘this’ll be funny and get their hopes up!’

In-store it seems to be the same.

I was in a shop in my local town and they had some great ‘sweatpants’ (tracksuit bottoms unless you’re from New York).

They were a great deal but only had them in size XXXL.

I could have climbed into one leg.

I asked the assistant if they had any ‘out the back’ in my size and he laughed.

The key here is, if you are looking for a deal in the sales, either change your height or put on 10 stones, then you might just find a bargain.

WHEN DID LEGO GET HIGH-TECH?

I was surprised at Christmas over how much things have changed in the world of children’s toys.

Everything seems to be focused on tech.

My nephew, who is eight and obsessed with building everything and anything, got plenty of Lego for Christmas.

Who doesn't slip into that at some point in their childhood?

However, this set came with no instruction booklets or manuals at all.

Working through the step-by-step guide at the kitchen table with an over-keen child was a rite of passage for many parents.

To cut down on paper, the box now has a code which you scan and it takes you to the step-by-step booklet online. Not only that, this was a Bluetooth build.

Usually, it could go backward and forwards which was radical and vital for the tank/Jeep/lorry you’ve just created.

This new stuff links to a smartphone or a computer and you can control it from there! Amazing.

Still, it all got smashed to pieces in a battle with a dinosaur and from then on it was imagination-dependent.

I’m currently trying to be positive about my wife’s new ‘soup maker’. Another gadget destined for the garage? Don’t be so negative! The first trial got mixed reviews as it used a bag of frozen soup mix that was tipped in and unfortunately a small plastic bag of barley was missed. It takes the edge off your appetite when you have to fish litter out of your food.

I’m still being positive. It’ll be on Facebay by the end of the year.

A message from the editor, Mark Waldron.

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