Electric cars will only make us even fatter | Alun Newman

I read a report about the temperature of your home and it put forward the idea that by dropping to a maximum of 19 Celsius and wearing a few more layers, if needed, then we could save planet Earth.

However, the report’s authors had not consulted my family or my extended family.

Usually, when we take a trip to the in-laws we can tell when we’re getting close as it feels warmer... and that’s without anyone getting out of the car.

They like to have their house set to ‘Mediterranean’.

It's so hot that we're never sure whether we're falling asleep because we've had a massive roast dinner or we're actually slipping into a state of unconscious slow cooking.

That’s the way they like it and far be it from me to risk my existence by saying anything.

Other than that, I imagine their global impact is very low.

They use public transport. They hate food waste and seem to plant never-ending numbers of trees in their back garden.

It’s personal responsibility rather than finger-pointing.

Although you are allowed to finger point in your own home. That’s legally allowed.

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The reality is that when I say ‘put on a jumper before I change the heating’, the heating has usually already been adjusted.

I know some families who have these app, internet-controlled heating systems.

The main app user gets an alert if the temperature is adjusted beyond certain parameters but that may be a stretch too far for me.

We’ve recently been given a ‘we’ve replaced ours with a better one so you can have this’ gift. An air-fryer.

I’m no good with these gadgets.

I begged to allow someone else to benefit but God did not hear my petition.

It’s the size of Davros from Dr Who. It dominates the workspace. Don’t worry though as it’s more economical than the oven. But is it?

Apparently, it cooks chips in minutes and saves the planet.

But chips only take minutes in the oven. I’m not convinced.

However, COP 26 demands that we interrogate our lives on a daily basis.

I also adore chips so it could be a win win.

At this stage I can’t work it. My wife cooked a whole chicken in it and it cooked 10 minutes quicker than in an oven so planet earth can stand down.

We had friends over for a curry and the question arose ‘is it better to boil water in a pan with a lid than boil water in a kettle’. They too were thinking about their carbon footprint.

No one had the answer and I don’t have a smart meter to run a trial. In the end, it was decided we’d use the kettle while discussing it further.

This particular couple have an electric car, which is amazing because they’re cheap to run. But they’re not quite so cheap to buy.

They had recently tried a long trip and had to include a long museum visit and fish and chips while it was charging.

They decided it wasn’t a problem but potential weight gain could be, as every charging pit stop seemed to include either coffee and cake or chips… which they could have got from my air fryer.

Still, they weren’t burning fossil fuel although the chips were cooked in oil.

The oil was heated with gas…

It’s not easy, this process of wanting to change. It comes with a level of challenge and some awkward hypocrisy.

However, at least more people are talking, thinking and challenging the way we live.

Asking tricky questions. Taking responsibility where perhaps others who should know better seem to struggle.

LAND LINES, AND WHY THEY’RE DISAPPEARING…

I finally found a use for something that’s been sitting in a cupboard for years.

We were having a bit of a house tidy. Jobs day. Cleaning, Hoovering, you know the drill. My wife stripped the bed and put a wash on.

Everything I have just written sounds normal and probably similar to millions of households. The washing machine finally finished. We all know when that is in our home because it bangs on a spin cycle like someone with claustrophobia trying to get out of a lift.

I emptied the drum of the bed sheets only to feel the duvet cover had something heavy in it. What on earth could have wound up in our duvet cover? Answer, we had washed and spun our telephone.

This is by no means a first for the Newman family. We have washed most small electric products. So much so, I stopped buying headphones for a while until one member of the team promised to start checking their tracksuit bottoms’ pockets. They didn’t.

Regarding the phone, I was disappointed, as I liked it. It’s definitely the most expensive non-washable product we’ve put to the test. It was impossible to revive and that’s when I finally found a use for that cupboard item I mentioned at the start. As I write, our landline is in the airing cupboard in a bag of brown rice. I can’t stand brown rice and it’s a tough sell at family mealtimes. You never know, it may be the miracle cure.

One thing I have learned. We don’t need a landline any more. No-one has noticed.

A message from the editor, Mark Waldron.

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