How rude! | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman

What to you is bad manners? What one act triggers an internal reaction of ‘how rude’.
Eating with only a fork is unacceptable bad manners to AlunEating with only a fork is unacceptable bad manners to Alun
Eating with only a fork is unacceptable bad manners to Alun

It may not spring to mind straight away, so let me throw a few out to you to get you going.

Putting feet on the opposite seat on a train.

Letting another car out at a junction and they don’t say thank you even though you clearly waved them out.

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You’re first at the bar and someone says they’re next, even though they arrived after you.

Rude. Poor manners. I think the manners threshold must be nurture rather than nature as there are so many and lots of different opinions.

For example, I often can’t be bothered with the ‘bless you’ after someone sneezes.

However, we have a colleague at work for whom this is a must.

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It’s a non-negotiable golden rule. If you’ve got hayfever and you’ve sat anywhere near them, it sounds like a looped soundtrack for a Piriteze advert.

I have a few golden manner rules of my own.

I have, since my children were dexterous enough, always insisted on the use of a knife and fork.

This rule, although tricky at first, has been religiously adhered to and there have been no grumbles.

For me, it is a basic requirement of eating. It’s a skill needed for day-to-day living. It demonstrates you’re not a neanderthal.

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When you go on a date it’s a demonstration of a good upbringing.

I don’t ask for much in life but this is one non-negotiable.

However, as the children have got older I have found that I’m losing ground.

I know why and where it’s coming from. Sadly, the never-ending stream of quite brilliant American TV boxsets has the majority of the casual dining scenes, involving eating with only a fork in the right hand.

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I watched a show this week where someone chopped spaghetti bolognese with a fork and then scooped. One-handed all the way.

I could hardly breathe.

This, I agree, shouldn’t bother me.

My wife, who is the physical embodiment of patience, says that I should look at all the other good stuff – we’re eating together, we all get on, our relationships are healthy and positive.

Apparently what cutlery is being used doesn’t matter. She’s wrong of course.

Eating with just a fork is unacceptable and I’m stamping it out. I don’t live in an American diner. We have two hands. It’s also bad manners. It looks like shovelling coal.

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I have laid down the law. If you want to eat at the table use a knife and fork. No excuses.

Now what happens, is my children eat using the fork as the shovelling item still in their right hand (they’re right-handed) and simply whimsically hold the knife in their left, flapping around doing nothing.

They taunt me as if they’ve achieved the basic requirement as specified.

I know that it shouldn’t bother me. I realise that it’s trivial and bordering on OTT parenting.

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I’m now in the odd position of teaching my children how to eat with a knife and fork when they’re both in the wrong hands – if you see what I mean.

The only benefit could be that like Alastair Cook and Ben Stokes (cricketers) they’ll end up being ambidextrous eaters.

That’s not something that anyone has ever included on their CV.

But of course the reality is no one else in my family gives a fork.

Highway to the Danger Zone

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Over the past few weeks, Elon Musk (Tesla/Space X) has been going on about Neuralink, a theoretical piece of technology that could allow you to stream music straight into your brain.

It’s in the same category as ‘one day we’ll have flying cars and hoverboards’. I’m still waiting and they were promised in 1976. On the outside chance this tech revelation happens, we might end up in the position of walking into Currys PC World looking for the most amazing refunds.

Imagine you had this chip inserted and because it got wet (Maybe you bought a cheap version?) and you’re unable to turn it off. You’ve got Kenny Loggins Greatest Hits on repeat.

It malfunctioned when you were away on business and for the past two days you’ve had to listen to Danger Zone non-stop.

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What would be your worst case scenario? For me, the worst possible would be Kate Bush – Running up that Hill.

I can’t stand it even once let alone being streamed via a chip into my brain.

When tech starts to become part of the body, I think we’ll need some cast-iron guarantees, some kind of fail-safe.

Mr Musk is a tech pioneer but even he must have a musical Achilles’ heel?

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Let’s hope that if this ever happens, there’s an off switch that’s easy to find.

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