The Teacher review: This silly drama proves that Channel 5 has still not learned its lesson

These people had taken to the internet to roundly abuse the teacher of the title, Dani (Kara Tointon), after video emerged of her and colleague Jimmy (Will Mellor), enjoying an illicit bunk-up while supposedly supervising a school trip.

This being a Channel 5 drama, illicit bunk-ups lead to bigger problems – in this case one of Dani's students ending up face down in a lake.

Not to mention marital troubles for Dani, after husband Tim (Emmett J Scanlan) and son Stan find out when the video gets posted online.

And so the trolls began pounding their keyboards.

In keeping with the rest of the 'drama', their names were banal and ludicrous at the same time – many seemingly rescued from the pile of names rejected by Last of the Summer Wine for being too stupid.

There was 'Gordon Tattersley', 'Ona Thackray', and 'Eric Kilbridge'.

But best of all, there was 'Fenton Redcar'. I mean, c'mon. Fenton Redcar?

Reluctantly wrenching my attention back to The Teacher and the action, such as it was, piled the stupid on top of the idiotic on top of the ridiculous.

Jimmy seems keen to tell the police what really went down on the school trip, but it only takes one word from Dani and he performs a screeching U-turn.

“I know it's difficult for the both of us, but we need to tell the truth,” he whinges to Dani. “A boy has died, the truth will come out. We should tell the police.”

“I can't Jimmy, please. I can't do this to Tim and Stan,” sobs Dani.

“Okay. Okay, all right, we'll keep it between us.”

Later, when further details start leaking out, and the student turns out to have been murdered, Dani is suspended by the headteacher Caulfield, while Jimmy seems to have been almost completely exonerated – despite his part in the whole sorry affair.

Still, it gives him a chance to catch up on some DIY.

“Caulfield's given me a couple of days off to think about what I've done,” he tells his son Matt. “At least this will give me the chance to do the entertainment unit I've been putting off.”

The whole four-episode run continues in this vein – people walking, and talking, and breathing, but not actually acting in a way any normal people would do.

Dani – despite being suspended – can stroll around the school questioning students, gains access to a children's home to give a witness a grilling and generally wanders about hugging everybody.

In one scene, the victim's mum tells Dani to eff off, the next the next moment they're having a cosy chat at the local skatepark.

Meanwhile, Matt tells his dad that he and the murder victim argued over a jibe about Matt's absent mum, then immediately says: “I've forgotten what we were arguing about.”

The Teacher doesn't so much as plant red herrings, it slaps you round the face with them like a Monty Python sketch written by AI.

And every scene ends with at least one character staring off, worriedly, into the middle distance.

But much of this doesn't matter because you're too busy wondering why buff divorce Jimmy and his teenage son live in a house seemingly decorated by a 70-year-old member of the local WI – only to discover that a crucial clue hinges on interior décor.

By the time you get to the fourth episode, and a scene between the headteacher and a member of staff that is so redundant and banal the audacity of it almost takes your breath away, you understand why Fenton Redcar could get so angry.