Coronavirus: Why did anyone ever need to be told to wash their hands? | Clive Smith

A new gym has just opened near me and I have to say I was actually looking forward to it. Excited even. I don’t know what’s happened to me but there I was eagerly awaiting the opening day.
EGGS: Let's hope Bird Flu doesn't make a return... Picture: ShutterstockEGGS: Let's hope Bird Flu doesn't make a return... Picture: Shutterstock
EGGS: Let's hope Bird Flu doesn't make a return... Picture: Shutterstock

I then read that gyms are high-risk locations for picking up coronavirus. Marvellous. A man just can’t get a break can he?

Apparently ‘big blokes pumping away’ could be ‘super spreaders’. ‘Big blokes pumping away’ is a strange way of saying gyms are sweaty, damp places where people share the same equipment.

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I do find it crazy though that there have to be public announcements in which people are being told to wash their hands.

Soap and anti-bacterial hand sanitisers are selling out everywhere. Who the hell needs telling to wash their hands? What were these scruffs doing before?

Football and rugby games have been cancelled and there’s talk of a blanket ban on all events that attract large crowds. Bit late now, the horse has already bolted.

For the past few weeks we’ve had flights arriving from places like Italy where the virus is all over the gaff and every Tom, Dick and Giovanni has been coming and going as they please.

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Another thing puzzling me about this whole thing is the obsession with buying toilet rolls.

Self-isolating for two weeks will not require 700 bog rolls. It’s coronavirus, not dysentery.

It effects the lungs, not your backside! There are even people camping overnight to get their hands on a bulk load of Andrex. Get a grip people!

I’m not so sure it hasn’t been around for a while anyway and we just never had a name for it.

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Remember a couple for months back when everyone seemed to be ill?

I was man down with a serious case of what people were calling ‘man-flu’ but I know it was much worse. I literally had every symptom of coronavirus.

If things do get really bad I’ve got a few chickens in the back garden.

We could survive on their eggs for a while if things get really bad I suppose.

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Knowing my luck though there’d then be an outbreak of Bird Flu!

Topless women on Waterloo Bridge did cause no good

International Women’s Day was supposed to be about celebrating women and their achievements, but instead all anyone was talking about was the group of unhinged females holding hands on Waterloo Bridge with their boobs out.

Apparently it was Extinction Rebellion highlighting the increase in hardship, violence and rape of women caused by the ‘climate emergency’.

Wow, really, so how does going topless on Waterloo Bridge prove this?

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They were just sexualising themselves and completely taking any attention away from what the real issues were.

Everyone was just commenting on how stupid they all looked.

Thanks for your comments… even those from snowflakes

This is my final column and looking back over the years I have to say, it’s been emotional…

A lyric from the song Criminal by rapper Eminem always reminds me of the outraged comments after one of my more controversial columns – ‘Every time I write a rhyme, these people think it’s a crime to tell them what’s on my mind.’

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Just because you don’t agree with something and shout the loudest about it, doesn’t mean you’re right.

Thanks to everyone who took time to read my weekly musings, even the people who didn’t agree with me.

Reading the fallout in the comments section was often amusing. Some snowflakes even took time to make memes of me. I loved that.

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