CV crisis highlights the yawning gap in our society | Simon Carter

On the one hand, the selfish individuals we have all seen engaging in their own grotesque version of Supermarket Sweep, filling their trolleys with absurd amounts of toilet roll, clearing the aisles to leave scenes reminiscent of the communist era in eastern Europe.

The fit and the healthy queuing up from the crack of dawn, determined to get their hands on more than everything they need. And so what if the elderly, the less wealthy – those on benefits who simply cannot afford to go out and bulk buy – and the vulnerable are left without? This is the ‘me-me-me first’ section of society which should sicken everyone with a social conscience.

But not everyone is like that. Not everyone is so egocentric, so self-centred.There are those determined to help those less fortunate, putting their own problems to one side and trying to spread a little bit of joy and happiness. And they are the ones – generally, but not always, those who haven’t got a lot in the first place – who are always quick to offer a helping hand. They are this country’s unsung heroes.

We’ve got things the wrong way round really, haven’t we? We talk of footballers as ‘heroes’ when in fact it’s those who help us stay alive, keep our society safe, educate the kids who are our future, who are our real heroes. Those that get paid millions to kick a ball, compared to the pittances paid to our doctors, our nurses, our police officers, our prison warders, our school teachers. All the people we take for granted, yet at the first sign of a crisis we’re glad are there for us.

We live in a country where our leading football clubs rake in obscene wealth, yet there appears not enough money to pay for essential services. That’s why police numbers and nursing levels have been cut. And that’s why, in this country, we have to rely on members of the public volunteering, via the RNLI, to help save lives at sea. Sickening, really, if you stop and think about it…

Think 2020’s bad? Lucky you weren’t around back in 1632

If you want cheering up – and I guess you do – then get this: Be thankful you didn’t live in London in 1632. For, as I read the other day, you could die via myriad weird and painful ways.

One person died after being bitten by a mad dog, another with a dose of piles, 46 unfortunates were ‘killed by several accidents’ – ‘phew, that was a close shavaaaaaagh’ – and, curiously, 10 were done by ‘cancer and wolf’. Now, THAT is a particularly bad way to shuffle off one’s mortal coil. For the uninitiated, and that’s most of the public, ‘wolf’ is, or rather was, a malignant tumour.

Another 35 died via ‘King’s Evil’, a lymph gland problem once believed to be curable by the touch of royalty.

Joke corner: It was best of times and the wurst of times

Psst, wanna hear some funny jokes? Go on, we need to smile more in these apocalyptic days we are (hopefully) living through.

Joke 1: Did you know that Germans, responding to the coronavirus pandemic, are stockpiling sausages and cheese – just in case of a Wurst Käse* scenario.

Joke 2: Did you know that Charles Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities is being serialised in new English newspapers? The Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.

Joke 3: ‘I had a vole curry the other day?’ ‘What’s a vole curry?’ ‘Like a normal curry but a little otter’.**

* Käse is the German word for ‘cheese’.

** Don’t worry, I’ve got my coat.

You can stop laughing now...