Years after I was raped I still cannot get intimate – Advice column

Q. I was raped when I was 18 and it was absolutely terrifying. 

The man was caught and went to jail and although things have improved, I'm not okay.

In the past eight years I've only had two short relationships; neither was sexual and both ended because I couldn't cope when things started to get physical.

I'm now seeing another guy. He knows I was  raped and hasn’t put any pressure on me. I really thought I was ready but, when we finally made it to the bed, I got hysterical.

A. Deep down, I'm sure your logical self knows that you are neither guilty or dirty, but your emotional self isn't allowing you to believe that. There's no time limit on recovering from trauma, which means there's no "should" about whether you have recovered from this or not.

If this is the first time, since the rape, that you've tried to be intimate with someone then your reaction is not at all surprising. People respond to traumatic events in different ways. For some, the effects of sexual assault or rape might be short-term. Many others, as you've found, experience extremely painful emotions and memory flashbacks long after the initial trauma. These in turn can lead to a host of other issues, including depression, panic attacks and fear.

It's not clear from your letter whether you had any form of counselling at the time but, even if you did, your reaction now suggests to me that you need more support. In England and Wales, Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk) is a charity which provides emotional support and information to anyone affected by rape. There's a telephone helpline and a network of centres around the country. In Scotland, you can contact Rape Crisis Scotland (rapecrisisscotland.org.uk) and in Northern Ireland should, for the moment, contact the Women's Aid Federation Northern Ireland (womensaidni.org).

One of the things that, perhaps, you haven't done since you were raped is learned how to reconnect with your body. As you were violated, you may have very negative feelings about it - as if it's contaminated in some way - so learning to love your body again is important.

As a first step, think about taking up yoga or tai-chi perhaps - something that makes you very aware of your body and how it works but in a relaxed and gentle way. Moving on from there depends on you and your readiness but doing things that put you and your partner in gentle contact with one another might help - go dancing together, give each other a massage. Even just stroking one another can really help.

It may seem out of reach right now, but with professional help and the support of a caring partner, there's every hope that you will one day have a happy, loving and sexual relationship.

Q. My daughter has been having an affair with a married man. He says he loves her and wants to leave his wife, but says he would miss his children.

This has been going on for over three years now and I feel he is simply using my daughter.

I've tried to explain to her that he is never going to leave his wife, but she won't accept this. She's in love with him and nothing I say will change her mind.

I know he is going to hurt her but what can I do? 

A. Married men seldom leave home to be with a mistress when children are involved, and this man seems to be no exception. I fear your daughter can only look forward to disappointment as the 'other woman'.

It must be hard to watch her make what you think are poor life choices, buy you've made your feelings known to her and if you continue to put pressure on her, you risk pushing her away.

All you can do is be there for her when this eventually unravels, as it most probably will. I'm sorry I can't be more positive.