In a bid to save money I decided to make some dog treats – liver ones to be precise. These are what I trained my dog with so many years ago when he used to be super obedient and run at speed for the stink bombs in my pocket, sit, stay, lie down and all sorts.
I’ve been too cheap buy more but it’s become apparent my dog needs a radical training regime.
I’ve realised he has actually trained me to do his bidding – follow him around until he feels like having his lead on, open the door when he scratches it, feed him when he flings his bowl across the kitchen and the like.
I clearly remember liver from my childhood.
The creeping odour of it being fried, the known dread a perfectly good bacon and gravy dinner was about to be ruined with its addition.
Its smell, its texture, its repellent ugliness, its taste.
There’s a reason dogs like liver so much and that’s because it’s – no kidding – unfit for human consumption.
And it’s also, I have learnt, unfit for human preparation. I was feeling truly brave after I’d left it four days lurking in the back of the fridge eyeing me balefully, when I followed the first instruction: liquidise.
Dear every deity that ever existed, if there was ever a smell designed to make a woman heave her guts up, the balloon burst stench release of liver disintegrating is that.
Obviously the dog was entranced for the first time in years and had to steady himself in position against the slobber tide he was drooling.
A couple of cups full of flour, an egg, a bit of dry-heaving and some more blending later and we were in business.
Except, and here’s the rub, not only does the smell of liver linger longer than life is lived, its fibrous tendrils wrapped themselves around all the cooking utensils.
Three days later I am still trying to unravel their elastine grip.
As for the dog?
He’s happy but I suspect that somehow this was all his canine masterplan and I’ve fallen, once again, for his devious training methods.
Stage version of Fleabag is even better than the TV show
My daughters and I went to see the recorded live streaming of Fleabag at the cinema last weekend.
This was Phoebe Waller Bridge performing her monologue which previously led to a series on BBC2, national recognition and lately a clutch of Emmys.
Wow, she was astonishing. I wasn’t prepared for quite how much I would enjoy her performance. Obviously I already admire her and her written work, but seeing her play all those characters absolutely blew me away.
I always enjoy the National Theatre recorded live streaming brought to us from the West End, and this was by far the best I’d seen. If you get the chance to see it, please do – it’s so much better than the TV series.
Don’t faff about – we must get serious on climate action
The Girl Guides are getting involved with the movement to save the planet and they’re throwing their weight behind the theme of single-use plastics.
It’s worded positively – ‘start using recyclable’ – instead of the harder negative ‘stop using single use’. While the campaign is to reduce the use of single use if there’s one thing we’ve learnt from Greta Thunberg is we must stop faffing around at the edges and get to the nub of the problem.
While your daughter might badger you to invest in a reusable coffee cup, badger her right back to use soap bars or buy refillable shampoo bottles and refill them. We’ve got coffee cups and water bottles covered, let’s get busy with the rest.