My husband’s golfing friends are making me miserable | Advice column

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance on relationship issues, low self-esteem and supporting a grieving neighbour.
Should his wife support his golf club ambitions? Picture: ShutterstockShould his wife support his golf club ambitions? Picture: Shutterstock
Should his wife support his golf club ambitions? Picture: Shutterstock

I HATE GOING TO MY HUSBAND’S GOLFING EVENTS

My husband is a keen golfer and is very involved with the running of his local club. He’s been spending a lot of time at the club house lately – much to my disgust, as I really don’t think it’s safe. He also chooses to get very involved in the many social activities, which, before the pandemic, seemed to take place every other week.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve accompanied him to nearly all of these. I’ve come to realise, though, that I really don’t like these people and I’ve better things to do with my life than socialise with them so often.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if my husband didn’t feel obliged to stay right to the bitter end of every single social event! By this time, I am usually frantic to get away, and this has been the cause of some heated arguments.

Despite this, I still don’t think my husband realises how much I detest his golfing activities.

I don’t begrudge him playing the game, but why should I have to take part too? He wants to organise a special event for December – lockdown restrictions permitting – but I’ve told him I really don’t want to go. We’ve had a huge row about it and he’s currently not speaking to me.

We’ve got an otherwise very happy marriage, so why can’t we find a way around this?

M. M.

FIONA SAYS: COULD A COMPROMISE BE THE ANSWER?

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

I can understand your frustration, but this really is a question that you should be putting to your husband. I imagine he is hoping to be elected club president at some point and feels the need for someone (ideally you) to support him. He wants you there to help keep the conversations flowing, but some people are cut out for this role and others aren’t.

If you really hate going to the parties and social outings so much, then there really is no point in your being there.

I suspect everyone knows you’re there reluctantly anyway, as a miserable guest always stands out.

While the pandemic has been awful for everyone, the lockdown has probably been a good opportunity for you to opt out of these events. You can avoid the December party by making a strong case for it being unsafe to get people together at this time – even if the official rules have changed by then. However true that may be though, you need to find a more permanent solution to get him to understand that you’re not prepared to accompany him to these events all the time.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Like most things in relationships, what is needed is compromise. Perhaps you could agree to go to one or two important events each year with him, if he doesn’t push you to attend everything he wants to organise. If he still puts pressure on you to go, though, point out that he would surely have a better time if you weren’t constantly trying to drag him away early.

One final thought, I think it would be a mistake to completely stop going out with him. If golf is his only sociable outlet, this might be the only leisure time you have together. That’s not healthy and it could be that he’s pouring all his energy into his golfing socials because he’s missing social interactions of other kinds. Could you consider organising social events you would both enjoy and get him to accompany you to those? You might achieve a better balance in your marriage if you could do some things, together, that make you both happy.

I FEEL LIKE I’M DOING NOTHING WITH MY LIFE

I’m finding this pandemic so depressing, and feel life is passing me by. I haven’t achieved very much at all with my life and have found it really hard to be in lockdown. I’m sure I’m not alone, but other people seem to be coping much better than I am, as I just don’t know what to do to fill my time.

I been with my partner since I was 19 – that’s nine years now. Although he’s a good, kind man, I find it hard to believe he’s not going to leave me. He’s a lecturer and works at a college surrounded by young female students and colleagues. They’re all highly intelligent, whereas I barely passed my GCSEs.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

I was working in a shop when we met and I’ve been doing that since, and although I was furloughed to begin with, the business has now closed for good. Whenever he mentions one of the women he works with, I find myself getting frightened and suspicious. If he mentions having lunch or coffee or something with any of them, I convince myself he is having an affair and get upset.

He is always reassuring me, and I know I sound paranoid, but I just can’t help it.

K. G.

FIONA SAYS: COULD THIS BE TIME TO BUILD ON YOUR CONFIDENCE?

You are certainly not alone in feeling depressed and anxious at the moment – many people are struggling – but I think your struggle is more about your own lack of confidence than just the pandemic. I think this could be what is driving your anxiety.

Other than that you have a partner, that he works, and that until recently you worked in the same place for the last nine years, I know very little about you. You don’t refer to children, interests, or what you do with your time at all, but you do say you feel it is passing you by.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

What do you do all day when your partner is at work? Could this time be an opportunity for you to change things? You say you ‘barely passed your GCSEs’ – could it be that, with time on your hands now, you could start studying something that really does interest you?

It might be something academic that you could take further and help you towards further qualifications. It could be something vocational that leads you to a new and different kind of job. It could be something you do purely for enjoyment. If you could find something you enjoy and are good at – something where you really feel you are succeeding – then I think your self-belief would improve.

At the moment, you are comparing yourself to the academics your partner is working with – and you feel you’re lacking something. Have you considered that he chose to be with you because you give him something that those women he’s surrounded by don’t have? He chose you for a reason; try and remember that.

You have time on your hands right now and I really understand how hard it is to motivate yourself during lockdown, but you can do it. You need to succeed at something – and you can, you just need to find what it is that motivates you. It doesn’t have to world-changing, just something you have done that you can feel proud of.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

If you were only to feel your life is worthwhile again, I am sure your confidence will grow and you’ll start to feel more positive about yourself and your relationship again.

SHOULD I TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE BRIEFLY SEPARATED?

My boyfriend and I have been going out for just over four years. We love each other very much and, apart from one brief three-month period 18 months ago when we nearly split up, we’ve always been very happy together.

I’ve just found out that, in that period, he had a brief relationship with someone else. I don’t know if he slept with her or not, but my friend thinks he did, and I don’t know if I should confront him about it.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

The thing is, I also saw someone else briefly when my boyfriend and I were apart, and although I didn’t sleep with him, it got quite close. Should I clear the air about this or just let it drop? I am so confused.

B. J.

FIONA SAYS: WHAT WOULD IT ACHIEVE?

Rather than thinking about clearing the air, ask yourself what you want to achieve. Do you think it would help your relationship in any way if you knew he’d slept with someone else? Would it bother you if he’d slept with someone else before he met you four years ago? If it wouldn’t, is there really any difference?

You had broken up at the time – you both explored other opportunities, but both decided to get back together. Surely that’s a positive thing?

If he had sat at home missing you and not looking elsewhere, then he might have just drifted back into a relationship with you because it was easier. He didn’t do that – he came back to you as a positive choice.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Yes, you could both be open and honest about this moment in your lives, but almost everyone has relationships before they settle down with their life partner. That’s generally how they know for certain that they have found the right person.

If you decide it’s important for you to know then be prepared for the possibility that this might drive a wedge between you. Is that what you really want – or is it, perhaps, better for you both to acknowledge that what is in the past should just stay there?

HOW CAN I HELP MY GRIEVING NEIGHBOUR?

Last Christmas, we moved into our new house and I made friends with my neighbour. In March, she lost her son and naturally went to pieces. As she has no family to turn to, I have been happy to do what I can to help, but she’s still in a state of shock.

She is facing pressure from her employer to get back to work soon or risk losing her job. I am appalled that a company can be this insensitive and I really want to do more to help, but what should I do?

C. A.

FIONA SAYS: YOU’RE DOING ALL YOU CAN

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

I think you should continue much as you are; providing all the sympathy and support you can. Her employer certainly sounds extremely callous, but please bear in mind the possibility that you are only hearing the story from one side.

It may well be that it’s a small company that cannot afford to be without her, or they may be having to make redundancies because of pandemic cutbacks. It’s even possible that they are unaware that your friend is dealing with the loss of her child.

If she hasn’t had any counselling support, then perhaps you could steer her towards Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk). Cruse can offer emotional support but may also be able to give some guidance about how best to deal with her employer.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to [email protected] for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Related topics: