My partner's ex-wife is blaming all her problems on my husband | Agony Aunt
Dear Fiona: I am very much in love with the man I live with, and he is with me. The problem is his ex-wife.
She calls at least every other day with some problem or another, and spends ages agonising over this issue or that.
She isn’t trying to persuade him to come back – as least, I don’t think she is – but it’s as if she is so used to relying on him, she can’t make any decisions without him.
She seems to have just about managed to convince him that all her problems are his fault. It’s got to the point that he’s thinking things would be better off if he didn’t see his children at all.
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I’m sure that’s not the right thing to do, but I don’t know how to help and advise him. He is determined to go ahead with the divorce though, and says he knows he couldn’t ever live with her again.
I wish I knew what to do for the best for him and for his children.
Fiona says: He’s still their father
Like you, I am sure that staying away from his children would be the wrong thing to do.
Indeed, I cannot help but wonder if this isn’t a very manipulative tactic on her part to make him feel guilty, and use the children to persuade him to come back. You don’t say what the problems are, but if it’s with the children’s behaviour, cutting off his connection to them will make things worse, not better. It’s quite possible that they are confused, and severing the connection will make them feel more vulnerable and rejected than ever.
It may not make sense to adults, but children often assume that, when their parents separate, they are in some way to blame.
If they are currently feeling guilty about the marriage break-up, it could be why his wife is having such difficulties with them – if indeed she really is.
You don’t say how the children behave when they see him, or how they react to you.
If they are angry and resentful with you, then they could be blaming you for ‘taking their father away’, but if they’re not, then his wife may be exaggerating the issues.
If there is resentment though, then staying away could make things even worse. His marriage may be over, but his responsibilities as a father are not.
Please encourage him to see his children, and to do so as often as necessary.
Perhaps if they felt supported, they would cause fewer problems, and his wife might not feel the need to unburden herself so often. You say he is determined to go ahead with the divorce, and if that’s what he plans to do then delaying things won’t help. In time, as she learns to manage alone, she probably won’t feel the need to call as often anyway.
I’m sure it is difficult for you and for him. If he can continue to keep the relationship with his ex on a friendly basis though, it will make both the divorce and the post-divorce arrangements that much easier.
Especially where the children are concerned. He will always have a responsibility for them – emotionally and financially – and if you are in a relationship with him, that is something you will have to deal with.
The role of a step-parent is never easy, there’s a fine line to be trodden along the way.
The charity Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) have an excellent website with advice on all manner of issues that you’re going to have to deal with. I’d strongly encourage you to take a look at it, and encourage your partner to do the same, as he may well find some help with some of the problems his ex is facing.
Dear Fiona: Should I stop seeing my mean dad?
You would have thought that at 27 and married with three kids, my father could accept that I am no longer a wild teenage.
Add to which I hold down a very responsible job and manage 30 staff – yet my dad still reduces me to an angry, quivering wreck!
He delights in putting me down in front of my husband and family, he criticises me constantly, and although I want to go on visiting my mother, if I could avoid him, I think I would. Perhaps I should just stop visiting him. What do you think?
Fiona says: Have you told him you’re upset?
As all your father ever seems to do is hurt you, I can quite understand why you might want to stop visiting him.
Some people seem to delight infinding the buttons to push to wind people up, and your father knows you well enough to know just which buttons have the greatest effect.
Unless you make an attempt to try to change his behaviour towards you though, you will never know if he can act differently.
Have you tried talking to him, as an adult, and telling him that the way he behaves towards you is no longer appropriate? Point out to him how much you have changed and tell him that his constant criticism is hurtful – then ask him quite gently but very firmly to stop.
Try to remain calm, even if he blusters, as he almost certainly will.
If doing this make no difference, then explain to your mother that she is welcome to come and see you at your own home, but that you won’t visit until your father is willing to change towards you.
Hopefully he will soon realise something is missing and understand that either he changes, or he risks losing his daughter and her family.