STEVE POWER: Flip-top Smarties? Ridiculous!

You’d also have realised that if you flip this cardboard top up, you can’t pour all the Smarties from the tube into your gob in the greedy way you used to because they’ve put a little bit of covering at the top of the tube that stops too many Smarties coming out at once!

Now this has got to be the feeblest attempt at trying to limit chocolate consumption and tackle obesity – it only takes a little bit of pressure with your thumb to remove this covering. Why don’t chocolate makers realise that the only way they’re going to be able to make us reduce our chocolate consumption is by not putting any chocolate in their products?

n This is just a suggestion for our Olympic officials. Given that Britain is so good at the cycling events and also events in boats like the sailing and the rowing, how about campaigning for pedalo racing to be an event at the next Olympic Games?

We would win all the medals on offer for sure!

n Top pianist Stephen Hough has called for classical concerts to be made shorter in order to attract younger audiences. Here’s a couple more suggestions of ways orchestral gigs could be a bit trendier:

1: A ‘classical mosh pit’ at the front of the stage, where die-hard fans can dance the waltz to certain songs

2: ‘Singalong’ style concert where the audience can hum along to the famous bits in certain symphonies – ‘Singalong-a-Shostakovich’ sounds good!

3: A ‘reverse Electric Light Orchestra’-type situation, where a classical orchestra is augmented by a rock guitarist and a bass player in the background

4: ‘Complete works all-nighters’ where an orchestra plays the entire back catalogue of Mozart or Beethoven, while the audience try and stay awake through them.