'Top 10 Worst places to live in England Definitive Edition:' Portsmouth shamed as third worst place

The final ‘Top 10 Worst Places to Live in England’ has been published by website iLiveHere – to the relief of many who support and celebrate all that is great about Portsmouth as well as the other towns and cities it has regularly shamed.

After 18 years of publishing the annual list – which is not based on any scientific data or research – the team behind iLiveHere have said they are finally ending the list after traffic on their website fell by 70 per cent.

Traditionally, the satire website has relied on ‘public votes’ to decide the ‘winners’ – but for the final poll, they have said there was no voting for the ‘definitive’ list - with their dislike for our South Coast city evident.

For their description of our fine city, the iLiveHere team said: “Ok. This maybe a bit harsh, but we have put Portsmouth in the bronze position purely because we personally hate it.

“Yeah there are worse towns than this place but it’s typical of military dormitories like Aldershot and Chatham. Compared to most towns they are absolutely culturally moribund and let’s be honest, a bit ch4vvy to use an archaic expression. For our younger readers, these towns are ‘full of roadmen’. You can apply a quick test to see if your town falls into this category of depressing urban beige by googling where you can get vegan food.

“If your only option is the spoons or similar chain pub, congratulations, you’ve washed up in a ‘Portsmouth’.

“For the boomers muttering ‘woke nonsense’ under their breath while reading that, we’re talking about where you live, YES WHERE YOU LIVE. NO, STARMER’S NOT RESIGNING ON TUESDAY!

“The only good thing this Hampshire hole has going for it is a good road network back to liberal civilisation like Brighton and the ability to sail off into the sunset.”

While everyone who lives, works or studies in our wonderful city will be the first to admit it is far from perfect, most would agree it is not the worst place to live in the country.

The full list is as follows:

1. Clacton-on-sea
2. Blackpool
3. Portsmouth
4. Peterborough
5. Hull
6. Dover
7. Luton
8. New Addington
9. Slough
10. Sheerness-on-sea